Sometimes I feel like a total weirdo because I don’t conform
to the norms of this world. Case in
point: mothers-in-law.
Our culture would have you believe that mothers-in-law are
monsters-in-law. That they are pushy,
meddlesome, complaining, needy, annoying, son-obsessed, controlling, and
difficult.
I have a very positive image of mothers-in-law stemming from
my own mother’s relationship with her mother-in-law (my paternal
grandmother). From as early as I can remember,
she called her “Mayrig” (mother, in Armenian) and cared for her. We lived downstairs from my grandparents and
spent a lot of time together. When I was
very young my grandmother broke her leg, and my mother put her studies on hold
to take care of her. At the time she had
been working toward earning her GED via correspondence school (while raising
two young daughters and working full time).
At her advanced age, my grandmother’s leg took about a year and a half
to fully heal. My mother never earned
her GED.
When I got engaged, there was a fleeting moment of wondering
what I should call my mother-in-law to be, especially since my mother had already passed
away. Would calling her “Mom” imply that
she was in some way replacing my own mother?
No, that was ridiculous. My own
mother called her mother-in-law mom, and I followed her example. My mother-in-law has been “Mom” to me from
day one.
I read this article today:
“5 Biggest Mother-in-Law Mistakes.” It highlights what our society thinks of
mothers-in-law. And maybe it’s true for
some people. But my experience has been
the exact opposite.
Mistake #1: You Stop
By Unannounced
I don’t think my in-laws have ever stopped by without
calling first. In fact, when we first
got married, they made it a point to “leave us alone” during our first year so
we could build our marriage relationship.
I think they came to our apartment once, maybe twice, that first year –
and only after we BEGGED them. (Reverse
psychology, perhaps?)
Mistake #2: You Want Her To Call You Mom
My mother-in-law never presumed
nor expected anything from me. All she
desires is care and respect – she has never asked me for anything else. I call her Mom of my own volition and because
she is a mother to me. This in no way
lessens what I had with my own mother – it is a reflection of it.
Mistake #3: You Give Advice She Didn’t Ask For
My mother-in-law is very
cognizant of my strengths and abilities.
She’s lavish with her praise and cautious with her criticism. When Silas was a baby, for the first time in
my life I felt utterly clueless and low in confidence. I pleaded with her for advice, but she would
only respond, “You’ll know what to do.”
Mistake #4: You Criticize Her Kids
In the 7-1/2 years that I’ve had
children, I haven’t heard my mother-in-law criticize my children once. This is not to say that my kids are
perfect. We often discuss the boys’
strengths and weaknesses and how we can help them improve in specific
areas. I especially covet her guidance
on discipline and education. Her input,
gleaned from raising two children of her own and teaching for 25 years, is
invaluable to me.
Mistake #5: You Talk to Your Son About Her
Jayson often complains that his
mom talks more to me than she does to him.
We are blessed with an open, honest, communicative relationship.
So in terms of how society labels
mothers-in-law and their relationships with their daughters-in-law, what I have
is completely weird, abnormal and unnatural.
Or is it? I’m not saying all
in-law relationships are easy and without challenges, but that it IS possible
to build a positive relationship with your mother-in-law. I always remember Naomi and Ruth from the
Bible – what a blessing they were to each other! My mother-in-law and I have been working at
it for 13 years and our efforts have paid off.
I don’t know what I’d do without her.
OK, I’m getting off my shoebox now.
